I must confess that I have frozen since my first blog entry. I realise there are many reasons for this… The first would be that I am out of practise in expressing any of the countless thoughts & feelings that go through my mind at any given moment.
I guess the best place for me to begin, may be with a question. What makes me happy? What am I passionate about? For me these questions aren’t so simple & I can’t seem to access the answers within me. I realise that I have spent the majority of my life simply waiting, & then reacting to what my father would do next. I understand now that I haven’t been living my life, merely existing through each crisis & the calm of each storm thereafter. Since he has gone, I’m only now beginning to realise that I haven’t a clue as to what I am passionate about, what I want to do with my life, the person I choose & desire to be. I haven’t a clue who I really am deep inside anymore, I have protected myself from the horror’s of my life, by burying my pain deep inside. In doing so, I have also buried all my potential to feel happiness, to feel any form of joy from the simplest things in life.
I want so badly to find that certain something that becomes the reason I can’t wait to get out of bed every morning, to do, to be, to simply live my life with contentment in all forms! I choose to stop existing, and I wish to start living!
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