My desire to move forward so badly, rushing to a place I desperately want to be, but not being ready to be there, is where I find myself right now. My desire to want to get to that place of happiness, too fast, may be too ambitious & impractical for now. The last few weeks I’ve felt stronger & thought I may just be getting over my grief and trauma of my not so distant past. I was wrong... I realise it was unfair of me to expect a lifetime of emotions to vanish in just weeks.
I had a dream the other night & every night since then. My nightmares resulted in me waking up & realizing I had been derailed off my "progress" tracks completely! I had nightmares of my father, in them he was still alive. They were so intense & real that I literally woke up and felt the effects as if I had just in fact lived through it, not just dreamt it. All the loathing, fear, embarrassing moments, helplessness, the anger, the heartache, powerlessness & dread, all those emotions culminate in my nightmares of late.
I can’t seem to get this thought out of my head. What could have been so terribly bad, so unthinkable as to want to end your life, rather than carry on living? I won’t even pretend to guess what he was thinking, what could have made him choose to take such a gruesome way out! What could he have been running away from, that the choice to do something so unthinkable & so painful to oneself, was the final option he chose?
Can addiction really make a person choose death, over life? My father took his own life, but I believe his addiction took his soul, the essence of who he was. That moment he took his first drink, the moment he swallowed the first tablet. Those where the moments addiction ultimately possessed him and began slowly taking my father away from this world.
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