My desire to move forward so badly, rushing to a place I desperately want to be, but not being ready to be there, is where I find myself right now. My desire to want to get to that place of happiness, too fast, may be too ambitious & impractical for now. The last few weeks I’ve felt stronger & thought I may just be getting over my grief and trauma of my not so distant past. I was wrong... I realise it was unfair of me to expect a lifetime of emotions to vanish in just weeks.
I had a dream the other night & every night since then. My nightmares resulted in me waking up & realizing I had been derailed off my "progress" tracks completely! I had nightmares of my father, in them he was still alive. They were so intense & real that I literally woke up and felt the effects as if I had just in fact lived through it, not just dreamt it. All the loathing, fear, embarrassing moments, helplessness, the anger, the heartache, powerlessness & dread, all those emotions culminate in my nightmares of late.
I can’t seem to get this thought out of my head. What could have been so terribly bad, so unthinkable as to want to end your life, rather than carry on living? I won’t even pretend to guess what he was thinking, what could have made him choose to take such a gruesome way out! What could he have been running away from, that the choice to do something so unthinkable & so painful to oneself, was the final option he chose?
Can addiction really make a person choose death, over life? My father took his own life, but I believe his addiction took his soul, the essence of who he was. That moment he took his first drink, the moment he swallowed the first tablet. Those where the moments addiction ultimately possessed him and began slowly taking my father away from this world.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Saturday, April 3, 2010
My pursuit to happiness...
I must confess that I have frozen since my first blog entry. I realise there are many reasons for this… The first would be that I am out of practise in expressing any of the countless thoughts & feelings that go through my mind at any given moment.
I guess the best place for me to begin, may be with a question. What makes me happy? What am I passionate about? For me these questions aren’t so simple & I can’t seem to access the answers within me. I realise that I have spent the majority of my life simply waiting, & then reacting to what my father would do next. I understand now that I haven’t been living my life, merely existing through each crisis & the calm of each storm thereafter. Since he has gone, I’m only now beginning to realise that I haven’t a clue as to what I am passionate about, what I want to do with my life, the person I choose & desire to be. I haven’t a clue who I really am deep inside anymore, I have protected myself from the horror’s of my life, by burying my pain deep inside. In doing so, I have also buried all my potential to feel happiness, to feel any form of joy from the simplest things in life.
I want so badly to find that certain something that becomes the reason I can’t wait to get out of bed every morning, to do, to be, to simply live my life with contentment in all forms! I choose to stop existing, and I wish to start living!
I guess the best place for me to begin, may be with a question. What makes me happy? What am I passionate about? For me these questions aren’t so simple & I can’t seem to access the answers within me. I realise that I have spent the majority of my life simply waiting, & then reacting to what my father would do next. I understand now that I haven’t been living my life, merely existing through each crisis & the calm of each storm thereafter. Since he has gone, I’m only now beginning to realise that I haven’t a clue as to what I am passionate about, what I want to do with my life, the person I choose & desire to be. I haven’t a clue who I really am deep inside anymore, I have protected myself from the horror’s of my life, by burying my pain deep inside. In doing so, I have also buried all my potential to feel happiness, to feel any form of joy from the simplest things in life.
I want so badly to find that certain something that becomes the reason I can’t wait to get out of bed every morning, to do, to be, to simply live my life with contentment in all forms! I choose to stop existing, and I wish to start living!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
I have a secret life, no one knows about...
My father is, or should I say was, an alcoholic & prescription drug addict. I say was, wishing he had been miraculously cured. Unfortunately that wasn’t to be. My father attempted suicide one fateful Saturday evening, successfully...
It has been almost a month since his funeral.
I have lived my entire life keeping our “family secret”, just that – a secret. When I was a young child, I used to think my family was the only one in the world living this unique life. I used to believe that my father was the only alcoholic & prescription drug addict. I believed that he was the only one that couldn’t rise above his addictions and be the father & husband my family wanted & so badly needed.
The day my father committed suicide, was the day that my secret life slowly began to emerge & unravel. The unravelling to all my family members, friends & work colleagues, was as subtle & surprising as dropping hand grenades in their laps!
In an attempt to heal myself & hopefully help another in my position – I decided to do something completely out of character, share my secret life with anyone that cares to listen. I decided to create a blog & share some of my thoughts with you & hopefully hear from anyone that can relate, or has any form of opinion on this topic.
It has been almost a month since his funeral.
I have lived my entire life keeping our “family secret”, just that – a secret. When I was a young child, I used to think my family was the only one in the world living this unique life. I used to believe that my father was the only alcoholic & prescription drug addict. I believed that he was the only one that couldn’t rise above his addictions and be the father & husband my family wanted & so badly needed.
The day my father committed suicide, was the day that my secret life slowly began to emerge & unravel. The unravelling to all my family members, friends & work colleagues, was as subtle & surprising as dropping hand grenades in their laps!
In an attempt to heal myself & hopefully help another in my position – I decided to do something completely out of character, share my secret life with anyone that cares to listen. I decided to create a blog & share some of my thoughts with you & hopefully hear from anyone that can relate, or has any form of opinion on this topic.
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